Kelly Carr

It Was Never Love

Kelly Carr
It Was Never Love

by Thilini Cate

I parked.
And my heart ushered in an uncharted emotional territory.
It took my entire being captive, and I detested it…

…yet I had never experienced a more satisfying combination of shame and fulfillment, simultaneously.

I slammed my head against the steering wheel, hoping to desensitize what was to come.
I dragged my feet out of the car, hoping to decelerate what was to come.
I covered my face with my hair, hoping to disguise what was to come.
I paced in tune to the echoes of protagonists, hoping to mute what was to come.

It felt as if I was walking my green mile.
In reverse.

A daunting face, concealed by a fearless façade.
A marginalized woman, obligated by obscurity.
A dehumanized statistic, secluded by the norm.
A devalued human, driven by anonymity.

I entered through the glass doors and found my feet on the stainless, flawless, bright, white tile.
The smell—desolation, deception, death—everything I hated.

I couldn’t see him. So I felt validated.
I couldn’t touch him. So I felt justified.
I couldn’t smell him. So I felt blameless.
I couldn’t hear him. So I felt guiltless.

But I felt him.

As I sat down with the clipboard and pen in hand to sign off his life...
...he stopped moving.
It was as if God was playing a game with him;
Run around, jump around, and bounce around as much as you want, every day.
But for five minutes, in this moment, be very still, as quiet as a mouse … as if you weren’t even here.
So I may whisper to her.
He didn’t move. He was as quiet as a mouse. He did as he was told.
It was uncharacteristic.
And unprecedented.

I left.
Boldly walking past the advocates for life, hair pulled back into a ponytail, I assertively stepped into my car. I glanced through the rear view mirror and realized what was to come. It would be a long road… most likely longer than I would prefer and more unexpected than I would anticipate.

But I was confident in one thing—my greatest asset that was strong enough to resist and overcome all adversity.
And no, it was not love.
It was value.
The same value for life that had been impressed upon humanity, since Genesis.

Love, wasn’t my motivation to sustain life in that third trimester.

It was never love.

It was always value.
For human life.

posted on June 18, 2018


Meet the Author:

With almost two decades of leadership in the field of Christian education, Thilini Cate is a passionate advocate of equipping the next generation of leaders. Her desire is to help them flourish in their pursuit of God, maximize their potential, and to propel them into their spheres of influence, in both local and global capacities. A published writer with a master’s degree in education and a doctoral degree in progress, Thilini currently works as a qualitative analyst for a consulting firm. Between frequent fueling of triple-shot Trenta Vanilla Macchiatos, wearing flip-flops in 30-degree weather, 1:00am reading, and appreciating all things Black/White from pictures to perceptions, her favorite thing to do is to travel and experience various cultures and people across the world.


Other Rivulet Collective articles by Thilini Cate:
Moments in Another World


Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash